One of the most challenging parts of merging lives with a spouse is having them join your family. You’re inviting them into a lifetime of history, beliefs, routines, and expectations - and you’re not giving them a rule book ahead of time.
The differences between our partner and our family became crystal clear when we’re faced with a decision and the two do not agree. (Think: where to buy a house, how to spend a holiday, who to invite to a party you’re hosting). Let’s take the hosting a party example. What happens when Mom says, “you have to invite everybody” and your spouse wants to keep it small?
You don’t really care either way and you’re used to your mother hosting parties, so you figure - she knows what she’s doing, we’ll invite everybody. And your partner gets angry. They don’t understand why you’re siding with your mother over them. After all, aren’t you two hosting the party in your home?
So, you go back to your mother and let her know you’re just having a small get-together, so you won’t be inviting everybody this time. Now, your mother is upset. She doesn’t understand why you’re excluding family members and is worried about people being offended. Worse yet, she’s “disappointed.”
Talk about being stuck in the middle.
“Why can’t my spouse just say yes? It would be so much easier on me and then my mother would be happy.”
Scenarios like this unfold because you’re not aware of the unspoken rules your family functions by, so you haven’t been able to share them with your spouse. You’re not aware that all families don’t function the same way as yours, where the mother makes the decisions about gatherings and hosting events and the father weighs in heavily on finances. Or that you and your siblings have spent your lives saying “yes” to our mother because your father taught you that’s how to “be happy.” You just said, “yes.” You deferred to her for decisions about parties. And life was easy.
Now that you’re married, you’ve got to find a way to integrate your two families - your new family, and your original family.
In this episode, we’re talking about why conflict between spouses and families is normal, given the circumstances, how these conflicts come to be, and what to do to diffuse both sides constructively.
Disclaimer:
Silveron Productions LLC and Nassau Wellness Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC do not hold itself out to be your psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or social worker. Our content is provided for informational and educational purposes only and is not to be perceived or relied upon as medical or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. Do not use our content in lieu of professional advice given by qualified medical and mental health care professionals and do not disregard professional medical or mental health care advice or delay seeking professional advice because of information you have received from us. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental disorder. If you think you may have a medical or mental health emergency, call your professional caregiver or 911 immediately. We do not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, social workers, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned in our content. By viewing our content, you acknowledge and agree that the following warnings and disclaimers apply to all of our content and agree to indemnify and hold Nassau Wellness and all content participants for any and all losses, injuries, and damages resulting from any and all claims that may arise from your use or misuse of the content.
By viewing our content, you further acknowledge that you are doing so voluntarily and at your own risk, and that you are solely and personally responsible for your choices, actions, and results, now and in the future. You accept full responsibility for the consequences of your use or non-use of any information provided in our content. Nassau Wellness is not liable for any advice or information provided in our content, all of which is provided on an “as-is” basis. No warranties, either express or implied, are made regarding the information we provide, and Nassau Wellness makes no representations about the accuracy or the suitability of our content. Opinions and other statements expressed by third-parties are theirs alone.