Have you ever wondered about emotional affairs?

We’ve worked with many couples who have gone through the experience of a partner having an emotional affair. Let us tell you - an emotional affair is just as damaging (if not more) than a physical affair. The dishonesty and turning towards someone new instead of your relationship partner creates a significant breach of trust and requires a lot of repair work to move forward.

There are a few key components of emotional affairs:

1 | They’re secretive.

The communication between the individual and their affair partner is kept hidden from their relationship partner. Texts or emails may be deleted or there may be a second phone or email account. The individual may no longer allow their partner to access their cell phone or become defensive when they try. Often, the rationale for hiding this communication is that their relationship partner would “get angry” or “read too much into it” and they want to avoid the unnecessary conflict. Much of the time, the individual does not believe this communication constitutes “an affair.”

2 | They involve a LOT of communication.

Texts, emails, and phone calls start early in the morning and go on until late in the evening. It can seem that every free moment is consumed by interacting with the affair partner. The sheer volume of communication is a red flag that this relationship is more than just a friendship and is serving emotional (or physical) needs. Additionally, this level of communication takes away time and energy from the individual investing in their primary relationship.

3 | There is intense emotional closeness and vulnerability.

This is the most powerful component of an emotional affair. Due to the frequency and intensity of communication between the individual and their affair partner, a great deal of emotional intimacy is built quickly. Since this relationship exists only in fantasy - no bills, no chores, no managing a household together, no kids, limited time together, few opportunities for conflict or needing to compromise - it creates the opportunity for a ton of deposits in the emotional bank account and very few withdrawals. This dynamic creates intense emotional closeness that is reinforced each time there’s another interaction that feels good - and, unfortunately, when there’s an interaction with their relationship partner that doesn’t feel good.

In this week’s episode, we’re going into more depth on emotional affairs. We’re defining them, discussing the context in which they can occur, and giving you strategies for repairing and moving forward should you be experiencing this in your relationship.