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We’ve all heard it.
Mid-argument with our partner:
“You’re just like your mother!”
But, what does that really mean? Why is it so common?
We learn how to be in relationships by observing our parents and the adults in our life growing up. We experience love in the ways our parents or caregivers showed us love. The way the important adults in our life expressed their emotions - happiness, frustration, anger - towards us, are the ways we expect our adult partners to do so.
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Disagreements are challenging to navigate in general, but when you’re both under additional stress they can become explosive. Having the ability to recognize when an argument isn’t going anywhere and you and your partner may just not see eye-to-eye is key.
Agreeing to disagree means:
We fully heard each other’s position on this issue. We understand our own point of view and our partner’s. With that information, we still do not agree. We don’t “have to” agree or find a compromise right now. We can drop this and revisit it at a future time or it may not even require another conversation. We’re going to accept that we were not able to agree and move on with our day.
Having the ability to do this helps you avoid getting stuck in unnecessary conflict, spend more time feeling comfortable and supported in your relationship, and minimizes disruptions to rituals of connection and other positive routines.
In this week’s episode, we’re talking about:
What makes agreeing to disagree so challenging
How being able to agree to disagree benefits you and your relationship
The exact steps to follow to agree to disagree successfully
It can be really frustrating when you don’t feel heard by your partner. It seems like no matter what you do or how you express yourself they just don’t understand your perspective. They may keep shifting the focus back to their own experience or tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t feel the way you feel.
So, what do you do?
In many couples that we work with, this leads to a habit of case-building. We view case-building as coming up with every single reason why your position is correct and your partner’s position is wrong with evidence to back those reasons up. (Think: “Exhibit A depicts a text message from last Thursday in which you said…”).
This effort to be heard can feel extremely overwhelming for the partner on the receiving end. They’re likely to feel super unheard, like there’s no space for their perspective, and that you are coming from an expert stance. Remember, criticism from an expert stance = contempt.
Case-building often involves pulling in “facts” from outside of your relationship. For example, “anybody in this situation would think _____” or “I asked my friends and they all agreed the right approach here is _____.” When we back-up our position with “everyone else,” it can feel incredibly critical to our partner. It creates an “us” and “you” dynamic, which can be quite hurtful.
If you’ve been using case-building to get your point across during arguments and aren’t sure what else to do, be sure to listen to this week’s episode. We’re going deeper on this topic and giving you strategies for how to be heard in a more relationship-preserving way.
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In this week’s episode, we’re walking you step-by-step through tackling unresolved issues in your relationship. This is an opportunity to finally repair past hurts and make a plan for how you’re going to handle these situations more constructively in the future. Keep in mind: you’re going to reset your goal from getting your partner to agree with you to deeply understanding the experience each of you has had.
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On this week’s episode, we’re walking you through a deeper understanding of the three reasons for less-than-ideal behavior and what you can do about it. Listen to learn more about why your partner may feel criticized, how to watch out for micro-rejections, and strategies for resolving issues from the past.
Read moreDisclaimer:
Silveron Productions LLC and Nassau Wellness Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC do not hold itself out to be your psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or social worker. Our content is provided for informational and educational purposes only and is not to be perceived or relied upon as medical or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. Do not use our content in lieu of professional advice given by qualified medical and mental health care professionals and do not disregard professional medical or mental health care advice or delay seeking professional advice because of information you have received from us. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental disorder. If you think you may have a medical or mental health emergency, call your professional caregiver or 911 immediately. We do not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, social workers, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned in our content. By viewing our content, you acknowledge and agree that the following warnings and disclaimers apply to all of our content and agree to indemnify and hold Nassau Wellness and all content participants for any and all losses, injuries, and damages resulting from any and all claims that may arise from your use or misuse of the content.
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Are Kegels as close as you’ve gotten to being informed about pelvic floor health?
If so, this week’s episode is for you.
Some signs that you may be having pelvic floor issues include:
Incontinence
Lower back pain
Discomfort with sex
A weak core