SGR 083: How to Agree to Disagree When Under Extra Stress

April 23, 2020 Marina Voron

Disagreements are challenging to navigate in general, but when you’re both under additional stress they can become explosive. Having the ability to recognize when an argument isn’t going anywhere and you and your partner may just not see eye-to-eye is key.

Agreeing to disagree means:

We fully heard each other’s position on this issue. We understand our own point of view and our partner’s. With that information, we still do not agree. We don’t “have to” agree or find a compromise right now. We can drop this and revisit it at a future time or it may not even require another conversation. We’re going to accept that we were not able to agree and move on with our day.

Having the ability to do this helps you avoid getting stuck in unnecessary conflict, spend more time feeling comfortable and supported in your relationship, and minimizes disruptions to rituals of connection and other positive routines.

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about:

What makes agreeing to disagree so challenging
How being able to agree to disagree benefits you and your relationship
The exact steps to follow to agree to disagree successfully

SGR 082: Dividing Household and Childcare Responsibilities When You’re Both Working From Home

April 16, 2020 Marina Voron

One of the biggest challenges we’ve heard from couples we work with since quarantine began is managing household and childcare responsibilities.

All of a sudden, both of you were working from home. Schools and daycares closed, so the kids were home too.

Wow.

This has been a huge transition for families.

These circumstances lend themselves to increased stress and anxiety, less time for self-care, more conflict, and feelings of overwhelm. When both you and your partner are having a hard time, it can be extra challenging to come together as a team - but even more important.

There are a few simple strategies for navigating our new reality constructively:

Get clear on where you’re at and what you want
Approach your partner gently to discuss how you’re feeling and what you’re needing (and invite them to share the same)
Come up with a plan and execute it

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about the struggles in this sudden transition, how to communicate with your partner to create a shared plan, and concrete tips for making it work.

SGR 081: How to Stay a Team When the Going Gets Tough

April 9, 2020 Marina Voron

The going has gotten tough.

In full transparency, we recorded this episode before the COVID-19 pandemic was a concern here in the U.S., but it certainly feels timely.

Using effective communication strategies, supporting one another, and maintaining your rituals of connection are much easier when life is “normal.” Add some additional stressors (think: kids, a demanding job, or quarantine) and your skills are sure to be tested.

When things around you are hard, it becomes even more important to remain a team. You’re in this together and could both use support and compassion.

There are a few things to be exceptionally mindful of when trying to stay a team when the going gets tough:

Are you really listening to your partner?
Are you being open to their influence?
Are you honoring your individual needs with rest, recharge, and self-care (to the extent possible)?
Are you honoring the needs of your relationship with time to talk, rituals of connection, and patience?
Are you problem solving and making decisions jointly?

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about why it becomes harder to remain a team when external stressors are high, the benefits of staying connected throughout these times, and practical strategies for making it happen.

SGR 080: The Impact of Transition to Parenthood on Your Relationship

April 2, 2020 Marina Voron

If you are currently or planning to become a parent, this week’s episode is for you. The transition to parenthood is a significant milestone for many reasons. It’s an exciting and life-changing time for you and your family, which can also lend itself to struggles like postpartum depression or anxiety and relationship issues.

When relationship issues go unresolved after the birth of a child, they can snowball. We often see couples who identify the shift in their relationship began 5-10 years ago, which happens to coincide with the birth of their first or second child. How this transition is navigated can have a significant impact on the future of your own wellness and the health of your relationship.

One of the ways to set a new parent up for the best possible outcome is through excellent partner support. Often, Mom (or the primary caregiver) shoulders the bulk of the childcare responsibilities, especially if they’re breastfeeding. This can leave their partner unsure of what to do to be helpful, feel like they don’t have a role, or even feel like they’re not able to take care of the baby as well as their partner. This type of dynamic can lead to disconnection and resentment.

In this episode, we have a special guest, Dr. Danielle Jenkins, who is a psychologist and maternal mental health expert and has been working with families for over 20 years. We’re talking about the lows and highs of the transition to parenthood, specific strategies for helping the transition go smoothly, and how to move forward as a couple and repair from a tough transition years later.

SGR 079: Keeping Personal Growth Personal (To Benefit Your Relationship)

March 26, 2020 Marina Voron

Friends don’t let friends personal growth all over their partners.

We love reading, listening to podcasts, and doing online courses. We love to learn and share that knowledge with anyone who will listen. (I mean, we host this podcast…). What we have had to learn not to do, is share this knowledge with our partners when they’re not interested.

Often, one partner is more into personal development than the other. This can become a source of conflict when that partner tries to pull the other into their world.

The other partner can feel…

SGR 078: Emotionally Surviving Coronavirus

March 19, 2020 Marina Voron

Well, things have certainly shifted over the past few weeks. Here in NY, schools are closed, restaurants and many small businesses are closed, and a ton of people are working from home who never have before.

There is a heightened level of stress and anxiety right now that’s weighing on everyone. Aside from concerns about the impact on the health of ourselves, friends, and family, there are financial concerns, and the need to adapt suddenly to unexpected lifestyle changes.

We recorded this episode last week, so some information may already be outdated. The strategies, however, remain consistent. It’s time for self-care, boundaries, and effective tools for managing your emotional load.

In this week’s episode, we’re walking you through how to navigate your own stress and anxiety, while preserving your relationship health, as we face the coronavirus pandemic together.

We realize many couples are suddenly home together full-time (some with their kiddos) or one or both spouses are working around the clock in healthcare. In an effort to provide additional support, Meredith is offering free online coaching, Feel Closer to Your Partner in 9 Days, starting this Monday, March 23rd. You can register here

SGR 077: How Giving Up Coffee Has Improved Our Relationships

March 12, 2020 Marina Voron

So, it’s not really about the coffee.

You know by now that taking responsibility for keeping your side of the street clean is a key component of healthy relationships.

This isn’t always easy. We have days where we didn’t sleep well, are under extra stress, or are just in a bad mood. If circumstances like this have primed us to be irritable or have a short fuse, it’s likely we’re not going to do the best job at managing our emotions.

There are, however, things within our control that have an influence over how effectively we can self-regulate. Consuming excessive amounts of caffeine, sugar, or other stimulants will send your central nervous system into overdrive and create a shorter distance to being emotionally flooded. Focusing on negative thoughts, consuming stressful or negative content, or holding onto negative emotions for an extended period of time will set ourselves up for flooding.

Part of taking responsibility is managing your physiological and emotional stress loads in an effective way. For us, we started by cutting out caffeine. What’s one change you could make to reduce your stress level and set yourself up for success?

SGR 076: Are You Hiding Amazon Boxes from Your Partner?

March 5, 2020 Marina Voron

If you’ve found yourself hiding boxes from your online shopping in your garage, car trunk, or closet - welcome. You’re in good company.

So many couples struggle with speaking openly about finances and coming to a shared perspective for future financial goals, how money should be spent/saved, and how to organize their budget. Often, this leads to an unspoken “agree to disagree” arrangement, which involves each partner doing what they feel is right. Communication about money is avoided because we anticipate it leading to an unsolvable conflict, so resentment builds.

Then, the Amazon box arrives.

Enter: resentment overflow.

SGR 075: Everything You Need to Know About Emotional Affairs

February 27, 2020 Marina Voron

Have you ever wondered about emotional affairs?

We’ve worked with many couples who have gone through the experience of a partner having an emotional affair. Let us tell you - an emotional affair is just as damaging (if not more) than a physical affair. The dishonesty and turning towards someone new instead of your relationship partner creates a significant breach of trust and requires a lot of repair work to move forward.

There are a few key components of emotional affairs:

1 | They’re secretive.

The communication between the individual and their affair partner is kept hidden from their relationship partner. Texts or emails may be deleted or there may be a second phone or email account. The individual may no longer allow their partner to access their cell phone or become defensive when they try. Often, the rationale for hiding this communication is that their relationship partner would “get angry” or “read too much into it” and they want to avoid the unnecessary conflict. Much of the time, the individual does not believe this communication constitutes “an affair.”

2 | They involve a LOT of communication.

Texts, emails, and phone calls start early in the morning and go on until late in the evening. It can seem that every free moment is consumed by interacting with the affair partner. The sheer volume of communication is a red flag that this relationship is more than just a friendship and is serving emotional (or physical) needs. Additionally, this level of communication takes away time and energy from the individual investing in their primary relationship.

3 | There is intense emotional closeness and vulnerability.

This is the most powerful component of an emotional affair. Due to the frequency and intensity of communication between the individual and their affair partner, a great deal of emotional intimacy is built quickly. Since this relationship exists only in fantasy - no bills, no chores, no managing a household together, no kids, limited time together, few opportunities for conflict or needing to compromise - it creates the opportunity for a ton of deposits in the emotional bank account and very few withdrawals. This dynamic creates intense emotional closeness that is reinforced each time there’s another interaction that feels good - and, unfortunately, when there’s an interaction with their relationship partner that doesn’t feel good.

In this week’s episode, we’re going into more depth on emotional affairs. We’re defining them, discussing the context in which they can occur, and giving you strategies for repairing and moving forward should you be experiencing this in your relationship.

SGR 074: Using Embodiment to Create the Relationship You Want with Shelby Rose

February 20, 2020 Marina Voron

Racing thoughts, replaying things that have happened in the past, worrying about things that could happen in the future - these experiences pull us out of our body and into our mind. The problem is if we’re stuck in our mind, we can’t really feel. We’ll miss those intuitive hits, hunches, and gut feelings meant to guide us through life. Our emotional experiences will be stunted or bypassed entirely. We won’t be fully available to connect with other people because we’re so focused on our own “stuff.”

In this episode, we have a special guest, Shelby Rose, who is a spiritual business mentor and podcast host helping women gain confidence and bring soul alignment into their business. We’re talking about how to get out of your head and back into your body through a practice called embodiment and how to use this approach to create the relationship you truly desire.

SGR 073: Valentine’s Day: Your Sexual New Year

February 13, 2020 Marina Voron

This year on Valentine’s Day, we’re encouraging you to make it about more than just flowers and chocolate. So much emphasis is put on the Hallmark qualities of February 14th, but celebrating in this way once a year is not going to have a notable impact on your relationship.

Our resident Certified Sex Therapist, Marina Voron, says:

Make Valentine’s Day your Sexual New Year!

SGR 072: Do You Feel Like You Need to Build Your Case in Order to Be Heard By Your Partner?

February 6, 2020 Marina Voron

It can be really frustrating when you don’t feel heard by your partner. It seems like no matter what you do or how you express yourself they just don’t understand your perspective. They may keep shifting the focus back to their own experience or tell you all the reasons why you shouldn’t feel the way you feel.

So, what do you do?

In many couples that we work with, this leads to a habit of case-building. We view case-building as coming up with every single reason why your position is correct and your partner’s position is wrong with evidence to back those reasons up. (Think: “Exhibit A depicts a text message from last Thursday in which you said…”).

This effort to be heard can feel extremely overwhelming for the partner on the receiving end. They’re likely to feel super unheard, like there’s no space for their perspective, and that you are coming from an expert stance. Remember, criticism from an expert stance = contempt.

Case-building often involves pulling in “facts” from outside of your relationship. For example, “anybody in this situation would think _____” or “I asked my friends and they all agreed the right approach here is _____.” When we back-up our position with “everyone else,” it can feel incredibly critical to our partner. It creates an “us” and “you” dynamic, which can be quite hurtful.

If you’ve been using case-building to get your point across during arguments and aren’t sure what else to do, be sure to listen to this week’s episode. We’re going deeper on this topic and giving you strategies for how to be heard in a more relationship-preserving way.

SGR 071: I Feel Stuck Between My Spouse and My Family

January 30, 2020 Marina Voron

One of the most challenging parts of merging lives with a spouse is having them join your family. You’re inviting them into a lifetime of history, beliefs, routines, and expectations - and you’re not giving them a rule book ahead of time.

The differences between our partner and our family became crystal clear when we’re faced with a decision and the two do not agree. (Think: where to buy a house, how to spend a holiday, who to invite to a party you’re hosting). Let’s take the hosting a party example. What happens when Mom says, “you have to invite everybody” and your spouse wants to keep it small?

You don’t really care either way and you’re used to your mother hosting parties, so you figure - she knows what she’s doing, we’ll invite everybody. And your partner gets angry. They don’t understand why you’re siding with your mother over them. After all, aren’t you two hosting the party in your home?

So, you go back to your mother and let her know you’re just having a small get-together, so you won’t be inviting everybody this time. Now, your mother is upset. She doesn’t understand why you’re excluding family members and is worried about people being offended. Worse yet, she’s “disappointed.”

Talk about being stuck in the middle.

“Why can’t my spouse just say yes? It would be so much easier on me and then my mother would be happy.”

Scenarios like this unfold because you’re not aware of the unspoken rules your family functions by, so you haven’t been able to share them with your spouse. You’re not aware that all families don’t function the same way as yours, where the mother makes the decisions about gatherings and hosting events and the father weighs in heavily on finances. Or that you and your siblings have spent your lives saying “yes” to our mother because your father taught you that’s how to “be happy.” You just said, “yes.” You deferred to her for decisions about parties. And life was easy.

Now that you’re married, you’ve got to find a way to integrate your two families - your new family, and your original family.

In this episode, we’re talking about why conflict between spouses and families is normal, given the circumstances, how these conflicts come to be, and what to do to diffuse both sides constructively.

SGR 070: Three Ways To Feel More Respected In Your Relationship

January 23, 2020 Marina Voron

The idea of “respect” comes up quite often in our work with couples. Consider the following:

How do you “know” your partner respects you?
In what ways do you act respectfully towards your partner?
What behaviors does your partner do that make you feel respected?

It’s often easier to identify the actions that make us feel disrespected, like:

Being yelled at or talked down do
Feeling your time and commitments are not being taken into consideration
Not feeling acknowledged or appreciated for your efforts

Experiences like these happening consistently are a drain on your emotional bank account. If you perceive your partner doesn’t respect you, it’s time to have a conversation. Notice that I said “if you perceive your partner doesn’t respect you,” not “if your partner doesn’t respect you.” The truth is this matters because you don’t feel respected. It’s doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t respect you, it means they are doing (or not doing) that communicate disrespect.

In this week’s episode, we’ve identified three ways to feel more respected in your relationship. To learn more, be sure to tune in!

SGR 069: How To Stop Your Partner From Overreacting

January 16, 2020 Marina Voron

There are certain conflicts that seem to come out of nowhere. You’ve approached your partner with a concern, laid it out as clearly as you could, and - to your surprise - they completely lose it. They’re angry and hurt - and it’s somehow your fault.

How are you supposed to bring up your concerns if this is how they’re going to react.

Most likely, this is a case of the message being sent not ending up as the message being received. What you thought you were sharing with your partner was very different than what they felt you were sharing. There are a number of possible reasons for this, including having a low emotional bank account balance, faulty beliefs about your partner, or a trigger related to this topic.

Here’s a visual for you:

Impact = Message Received
Intention Message Sent

The hard truth is the impact your message has matters far more than your original intention. We talk a lot about perception vs. reality - the impact is how your partner perceived the message, and that’s what we’ve got to work with.

So, how do you make sure you’re communicating your needs in a way that allows your partner to receive your intended message? You’ll have to listen to this week’s episode to find out!

SGR 068 : How To Build More Trust in Your Relationship with Juan Santos, LPC

January 9, 2020 Marina Voron

We’ve got something a little different for you this week!

Our guest, Juan Santos, LPC, is joining us to talk about his five step strategy for building more trust in your relationship. Having a foundation of emotional safety is key to constructive communication, effective conflict resolution, and a healthy emotional bank account. You’ve got to trust your partner with your feelings in order to be honest and vulnerable.

When you think of trust, think:

T - Time

R - Respect

U - Understanding

S - Support

T - Together

These five concepts include strategies for enhancing the emotional trust in your relationship, such as setting aside Time to make plans with your partner each week and Respecting your partner by building them up, rather than breaking them down. To learn more, be sure to listen to this week’s episode!

SGR 067: The Three Steps To A Successful 2020 With Your Partner

December 31, 2019 Marina Voron

It’s that time again…

New Year’s Resolutions! 2020 goals! New Year, New Me!

Insert eye roll.

Look, we’re all about personal growth and making positive changes in your life and relationship. We just don’t feel like it can only start on January 1st. If at any point throughout the year you feel the need to reset, jump back into this episode and follow our three step process.

In the meantime, let’s plan for a successful 2020!

You’ve got to ask yourself a few things:

Where did you come from? What was 2019 like? What do you want to keep and what do you want to leave behind?
Where are you currently? What’s feeling good? What’s standing in your way?
Where do you want to go in 2020?

Goals have their place, but we really like setting intentions. Intentions give you the space to acknowledge ongoing progress, shorten or extend your journey, and get consistent feedback that you’re on the right track. Goals can be very black and white - you either achieved it or you didn’t. But, what about the 99% of progress that happens before the goal is officially checked off the list?

Be sure to listen to this week’s episode to learn our three steps to setting yourself and your relationship up for a successful 2020. Happy New Year!

SGR 066: Are You Too Certain Of Your Partner’s Intentions (To The Detriment Of Your Relationship)?

December 26, 2019 Marina Voron

When you’ve been together for awhile, you get really good at figuring out why your partner does what they do.

Or, do you?

The accuracy of those assumptions (yes, they are assumptions) really depends on what information you’re using.

Are you basing your guess on the guess you made the last time this behavior happened?

Did you have an ex who used to do this behavior all the time because they were uncomfortable with emotional intimacy?

In your family growing up, was there an unspoken rule that the loudest person wins the fight? So, you know when you’re partner gets loud they are making a power play to win?

As humans, we try our best to make meaning of the world around us. We place that meaning on the people we relate to and experiences we have. Our brain stores that information for future reference and the next time a similar situation arises it quickly informs you of the reason behind it. This ability has helped us survive for a long time, but in relationships we risk functioning with inaccurate information.

Without asking your partner, there’s really no way to know their intentions for sure. In fact, their intentions may change from day to day, situation to situation. So, what do you do?

In this week’s episode, we’re talking about the dangers of being unequivocally sure of your partner’s intentions, how to identify this habit, and what to do instead.

SGR 065: Our Go-To Rituals of Connection

December 19, 2019 Marina Voron

By now you know how important rituals of connection are to the health of your relationship. (If this is new to you, check out Episode 002 - Getting Back to the Honeymoon Phase - One Habit at a Time Having daily, weekly, and monthly shared activities with your partner is the most impactful way to keep your emotional bank account balance high and your relationship skewed towards the positive.

Marina and I are sharing our top rituals of connection that we’re keeping consistently lately!

Not surprisingly, we had a few in common:

Texting funny memes back and forth with our husbands
Having daily coffee dates
Watching “our” TV shows together
And more!

Be sure to listen to this week’s episode to hear the rest of our daily rituals and see if you’d like to integrate any into your relationship.

SGR 064: The Three Types of Boundaries That Will Help You Survive the Holidays

December 12, 2019 Marina Voron

During the holidays, there is a significant increase in invitations and expectations from friends and family. It becomes even more important than usual to check in with yourself and your partner on how you’re feeling, what you want, and what you need.

Without this check in, you’re likely to end up feeling overwhelmed, overbooked, and resentful. Your physical and emotional energy may become depleted and you’ll look back on this time of year with relief that it’s finally over. (Not the type of holiday experience we’d want to have).

This is where the boundaries come into play.

There are a few different factors to consider when deciding where and how to spend your time this holiday season. We’ve identified three types of boundaries:

Physical Boundaries | These are boundaries around where you will and won’t go and how you will or will not accept physical touch (for yourself and your children).

Emotional Boundaries | These are boundaries around the ways in which you will connect with others. For example, what topics you will and will not discuss, how long you’ll spend connecting with particular people, and the types of emotional experiences you’re open to having.

Energetic Boundaries | These are boundaries around your physical, emotional, and mental energy. They involve taking into account how tired you are, how emotionally drained or energized you feel when interacting with certain people, and how much mental bandwidth you have for supporting others.

In this week’s episode, we’re going deeper into each of these three types of boundaries, what they look like, how to evaluate which ones you need to enact, and how we apply these in our lives.

Sep 17, 2020

SGR 103: Pelvic Floor Health and Sexual Pleasure with Kim Vopni

Are Kegels as close as you’ve gotten to being informed about pelvic floor health?

If so, this week’s episode is for you.

Some signs that you may be having pelvic floor issues include:

Incontinence
Lower back pain
Discomfort with sex
A weak core